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Wednesday, March 7, 2012
My outrageous behavior taught me this
12:54 AM Can't help but to feel that tell-signs are getting more obvious. The commitment of commitment creeps in slowly as days go by, withering the couple in the onceforeverhappy relationship. It's coming, coming for us. This feeling that all couples dread. Where commitment becomes an obligation: The honeymoon period is fading away. We can do this together, both you and I. Monday, February 20, 2012
Guilt-stricken for no good reason
12:48 AM Forever treating this place like some shelter away from the storms. Secret-obsessions is so upset everytime I read it: my very faithful friend indeed. Being too pro a stalker has it pros and cons, and it certainly backlashed on me recently. I came across things that I wish I didn't read out of curiosty. It's the feeling like: Okay, you got to stop now or you will feel worse than now (scroll scroll scroll), oh shit that's more than enough already your heart is wrenching (scroll scroll scroll) Curiosity kills the cat. Curiosity killed me inside. I ultimate-hate relationship wreckers. I hope I wasn't and will never be one in anyone's life. I know I am not at fault and people are telling me to stop thinking that way. But deep down inside, I know I had caused misery and bad days. I won't apologize because technically, I didn't do anything wrong. But if this were to happen to anyone I know now, I will say 'what a bitch she should have known better.' Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Forever Alone
1:39 AM Happy Valentines' Day world! The fact that I am here writing this at this time shows a lot I guess. Bored from doing work and need to kill some unhappy cells off or my eyes will be fucking swollen tomorrow and I will look like a goldfish. Really feeling quite jaded and have no idea what to do with myself. Feel so tied up all the way to the neck I can't even breathe sometimes. Inferiority, insecurity and unimportance really kills. It's the best killer combo ever. And I am fucking facing all these shit alone in the first few hours of Valentines'. Not like there is a choice to this situation now, but clapclap. All time high angst today. Don't even feel like going school tomorrow cos I don't want to see anyone's face and I don't want to go for any vday date. What's the point of an awesome date but its so tedious every other day? I don't know if I will regret saying all these, but at this very moment now, I feel worse than any singles out there having no dates. Forever Alone. Holyfuck, remember to breathe and live meiyi. Sunday, January 15, 2012
Why am I so unhappy? I feel like WHATDAFUCKISTHISWORLDABOUT?
1:18 AM My life is a roller coaster ride. Some days I can be very happy, but some days I am so lifeless. Talk about extremity. I would love to imagine life like a bed of roses, everything goes smoothly and be the way I want them to be. I will kill to feel happy for forever. Learning to be happy is definately one of the most difficult things in life. I haven't master the skill yet (for 21 years!) and I bet more hiccups will come. I can filter unhappy thoughts, people and things, but I can't filter them for long. Sooner or later they will just come crashing down on me and I will just die inside at night when I lie on the bed, helpless. Why is it so difficult to forget and just take things as it is? What is saddness? What is happiness? How did humans even classify saddness as a negative emotion? I think I should be a nun soon and try to search for inner peace and be holy. All I know is that, no matter how tough things go, I know the magnificent me will swallow it (hard or not) and just be tough and brave through every fire and storm. NO ONE, NO THING, NO SPECIES OF ANY KIND, TANGIBLE OR INTANGIBLE, WILL DEFEAT ME. I AM INVINCIBLE. Having said that, I think my emotional stability (or instability) stems from not only myself and my comings, but of the environment and people I interact with. So I screen out things, words, people in order to make myself comfortable and happy. This is not escapism, this is just a way to avoid making things worse (like the theory of throwing good money over bad money, I don't wish to throw in kind effort over sad events with no cure). But if I hate you and you are the source of my unhappiness, I will make sure your life is more miserable than mine. ANYWAY, first post of the year. Shouldn't end on a bad note. So... 2012 WILL BE GREAT! I WILL BE THE BEST OF THE BEST AND BE AS HAPPY AS I WANT TO BE!!! Monday, December 19, 2011
12:47 AM To: Whoever can make things happen Please give me better days. I don't demand much, I just don't want anymore hiccups and bad events. Please don't add emotional and psychological distress to people around me and myself anymore. I beg you? Yours sincerely, Me Saturday, December 10, 2011
5:41 PM Still barely believe my holidays are here although it has already been more than a week! :D Met up with Gina, Jr, Mans. Worked with Kuans and Tabitha so far hehehe. AND HIGHLIGHT: Xuan and I WATCHED WICKED ON THE FIRST NIGHT IT WAS IN SINGAPORE. Helluva experience, so damn awesomeeeeee!  They didn't allow us to take photos inside the theater so everyone flooded the hall instead! Virgin experience in MBS theater and I think it's pretty glam. Everyone dress up like they're going for D&D zomg. ONE MORE MONTH TO THE LAST SEM OF YEAR 2. SO MANY MORE THINGS I WANNA DO! Saturday, November 19, 2011
332nd
2:24 PM Here comes the exam period and I have exactly 10 more days to my first paper. On the contrary, almost all my friends are either in exam halls now or have started a day or two ago. But it doesn't warrant me to cut myself some slack. Yes, there are things larger in life than studies. But one cannot, in any way, deny that the main function of a student is to study. The input is effort and hardwork, the output are the results. If a student cannot perform at least up to average standard, he or she has failed as one. Having studied so much about consumer behavior in Marketing, I began to understand people's attitudes and hence their behaviors. Your behavior is a manifest of your attitude. You learn from the outcomes of your actions, you form an attitude and then you choose how you want to execute in a similar situation in future. You will repeat a behavior if it gives you a positive outcome and alter accordingly if it displeases you. Since young, I have this mindset that stress is crucial to examinations. A student who is too relaxed will not do as well as compared to a student who has the right amount of stress, ceteris paribus (same IQ, same teacher, same work done, etc). A stress or tension is a motivation to steer oneself towards their goal. And for me, I believe in eustress - a pleasant or curative stress which is essential in everyone to do well in life. And with this attitude, I have excelled and arrived at where I am today. I will not alter my behavior in any examinations because something that worked will not fail given the same conditions. In this world, there are no stupid people. There are only lazy people - people who give themselves excuses like others are too smart, too hardworking, too stressed and don't know how to relax, the world is too cruel, etc. These people want to take the easy way out and avoid stress. Or maybe these excuses promotes self-defense mechanism so in case they really did not fare well, they can fall back on the claims they made. I don't want to be one of them. The discipline to fulfill the basic function as a student will determine your future. It's more than just the results - it's the attitude towards the things you do. |
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